Do you ever have those days, hell, those weeks, when you just feel stupid. Maybe you aren't sure why but you just are totally being a dumb ass. Yeah that would be me the past week. Most of the time I am pretty good with explaining myself and very understanding I would like to think. Not this week, this week I have been a complete moron. It doesn't really surprise me to be honest. I do go through fits of stupidity. But I don't like it when it effects my relationship with my wife and how I feel.
It could be it comes from the fact that I came from two very different parents. My father was and still is an emotionally stunted individual. As much as I love the guy we never really touched on our emotions. Well I shouldn't say never, he was really good at the whole anger emotion. The only time I have ever actually seen my father show an emotion other than anger was when I was going off to the navy. That was it, and it was the weirdest thing I had ever seen to be honest. My father, sitting at a table at Starbucks, crying. It was a WTF moment that is burned into my mind. Then there is my mother. She shares her feelings like she has diarrhea of the mouth. Now it didn't help she worked in child protective services so there for saw nothing but emotionally scared kids every week. So of course my brother and I must share our feelings at all times and always discuss what was going on with us. She would cry at a drop of a hat and was always on my brother and I to "cry it out". Toss in the fact they divorced when I was 15 and you get a great big fucked up ball of emotion. Now much of the blame rests on me. After my parents divorced I decided a life dedicated to my room, computers, food and weed would suite me just fine. Not the best way to deal with depression and anger but honestly it was all I had to go with. So needless to say I truly do believe I lack some of the skills to verbalize how I may feel. In fact once it became painfully obvious to my Mom that I was not communicating my feelings I got to see a psychologist. Lets just say that drove a wedge between my mother and I. A wedge that only in the past couple years has started to go away. However Dad wasn't exactly helping either. He allowed me to live my life of solitude but always made sure I had enough food to indulge my unhealthy eating habits. Which allowed me to balloon to about 230 pounds in my senior year of high school. Now that I have grown up I do not blame my parents anymore for my choices or their choices. We all make our own decisions and we must deal with them in our own ways.
Yet even as I have grown I still feel that emotional stupidity always lingering in my life. I may have matured and tried to be more "in touch" with my feelings but there are times I truly suck at talking about my emotions. My wife has helped me grow so much when it comes to talking about my emotions. But every once in awhile that stupid teenager pokes his stubborn ass head out and decides no one could understand how I am feeling and so I simply won't share what is going on inside. This frustrates my wife to no end. I can't say that I blame her. We have come so far in our relationship, we used to have problems communicating but we have worked so hard to bridge those gaps. She has helped me grow when it comes to those things. I love her and would never be half the man that I am without her. Which is why it sucks when I forget that and become a stubborn jackass. I sometimes forget I can talk to her about anything and when I do everything is easier. When I talk to her about how I feel she can see things from my point of view and truly connect with me. Hard to do that with someone who shuts down and pouts like a two year old. I love my wife, and I know she is going to read this. I just want her to know I love her. I don't mean to be an idiot I just have the capability and sometimes the lapse in judgement to make it possible. I am sure many of you out there know how it feels. Of course as I have said and will continue to say, I hate you all. But thanks for reading I suppose. Oh and honey I am really sorry. I love you and promise to keep working at my deficits to be a better man for you. I'm sorry I couldn't just tell you this but sometimes writing is just easier!
HATE...YOU...ALL.
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