Somedays I am just dumb

Do you ever have those days, hell, those weeks, when you just feel stupid. Maybe you aren't sure why but you just are totally being a dumb ass. Yeah that would be me the past week. Most of the time I am pretty good with explaining myself and very understanding I would like to think. Not this week, this week I have been a complete moron. It doesn't really surprise me to be honest. I do go through fits of stupidity. But I don't like it when it effects my relationship with my wife and how I feel.

It could be it comes from the fact that I came from two very different parents. My father was and still is an emotionally stunted individual. As much as I love the guy we never really touched on our emotions. Well I shouldn't say never, he was really good at the whole anger emotion. The only time I have ever actually seen my father show an emotion other than anger was when I was going off to the navy. That was it, and it was the weirdest thing I had ever seen to be honest. My father, sitting at a table at Starbucks, crying. It was a WTF moment that is burned into my mind. Then there is my mother. She shares her feelings like she has diarrhea of the mouth. Now it didn't help she worked in child protective services so there for saw nothing but emotionally scared kids every week. So of course my brother and I must share our feelings at all times and always discuss what was going on with us. She would cry at a drop of a hat and was always on my brother and I to "cry it out". Toss in the fact they divorced when I was 15 and you get a great big fucked up ball of emotion. Now much of the blame rests on me. After my parents divorced I decided a life dedicated to my room, computers, food and weed would suite me just fine. Not the best way to deal with depression and anger but honestly it was all I had to go with. So needless to say I truly do believe I lack some of the skills to verbalize how I may feel. In fact once it became painfully obvious to my Mom that I was not communicating my feelings I got to see a psychologist. Lets just say that drove a wedge between my mother and I. A wedge that only in the past couple years has started to go away. However Dad wasn't exactly helping either. He allowed me to live my life of solitude but always made sure I had enough food to indulge my unhealthy eating habits. Which allowed me to balloon to about 230 pounds in my senior year of high school. Now that I have grown up I do not blame my parents anymore for my choices or their choices. We all make our own decisions and we must deal with them in our own ways.

Yet even as I have grown I still feel that emotional stupidity always lingering in my life. I may have matured and tried to be more "in touch" with my feelings but there are times I truly suck at talking about my emotions. My wife has helped me grow so much when it comes to talking about my emotions. But every once in awhile that stupid teenager pokes his stubborn ass head out and decides no one could understand how I am feeling and so I simply won't share what is going on inside. This frustrates my wife to no end. I can't say that I blame her. We have come so far in our relationship, we used to have problems communicating but we have worked so hard to bridge those gaps. She has helped me grow when it comes to those things. I love her and would never be half the man that I am without her. Which is why it sucks when I forget that and become a stubborn jackass. I sometimes forget I can talk to her about anything and when I do everything is easier. When I talk to her about how I feel she can see things from my point of view and truly connect with me. Hard to do that with someone who shuts down and pouts like a two year old. I love my wife, and I know she is going to read this. I just want her to know I love her. I don't mean to be an idiot I just have the capability and sometimes the lapse in judgement to make it possible. I am sure many of you out there know how it feels. Of course as I have said and will continue to say, I hate you all. But thanks for reading I suppose. Oh and honey I am really sorry. I love you and promise to keep working at my deficits to be a better man for you. I'm sorry I couldn't just tell you this but sometimes writing is just easier!
HATE...YOU...ALL.

Junk Punching. The beginning.

So I created this blog about four months ago. This is the first day I have even thought about posting anything. Not even sure where to start. Well, to be honest I have always considered myself a closet journalist of sorts. Like many people going through high school I kept a journal. Even did a little poetry(mostly for girls I wanted to impress) but I still always thought of myself as a decent writer. However my wife is the writer in the family. She has all the creativity and the brains to be honest. I am just the rock, and that also goes for whats in my head most of the time. Rocks. Don't get me wrong I consider myself an intelligent person and all, but in the writing and creativity department it all belongs to my wife. Check out her blog "Ramblings of an emotional idiot" if you get the chance, it will not be a waste of time, I promise. Okay now that I am done shamelessly promoting my wife's blog I will continue.
Lets start by telling you a little about myself. I hate people. Well that's a phrase used a little too much nowadays. I hate the world. In fact if it weren't for the simple biological coincidence that my parents raised me and put up with my shit, I generally hate them most of the time too. For the exception of my wife and kids (who I do actually enjoy) most other people annoy the shit out of me. Maybe not all the time but every person has their moments and therefore fall under the category of "I hate". Now I don't go around pissed off spewing my own special form of venom at every person I come in contact with. In fact I am considered by most people to be a very nice person. Which I suppose is true. I am outgoing, considerate and understanding. I am a true optimist and go out of my way to try and make most people's days better. But inside my dark little heart, everyone of you piss me off. Which causes me the uncontrollable sensation too punch someone in the crotch. Maybe that isn't the nicest thing in the world but at least it's honest.
Well lets end my first blog post on a high note. It is a pleasure to be writing once again and hopefully I will continue to post new blog's. Not for the people out there (again I hate you all) but for myself.